How Could I be So Blind?

The Hawley Arms, before it burnt down that is, in the spring. Mase and I had discovered Sailor Jerry Rum and we were well on our way out to sea. I drunk to forget a girl, my best friend, future wife and mother of my children; now just a picture on facebook. A thousand heartbreak songs later and here I was, improvising the words to sea shanties and trying to catch the eye of a young uninterested barmaid. Mase's round - and as he left for the bar, a large, middle-aged woman pointed towards me.'You - are - stunning!.' She shouted drunkenly. She wore a fur coat and heavy jewellery, and as she sat beside me I smiled, looked at Mase laughing from the bar, and nodded.... the rest is a blur.

Then we were staggering along the bridge over Camden Lock. I told her of my ex love, of the times I slept outside her window just waiting to see her, and of her infedility and promises broken. The old woman pressed me against the wall and pushed her face firmly into mine, kissing me so hard I thought she'd split my lip. I felt a hand on my shoulder, it was Mase. 'Come on mate, let's go home.' I said something about wanting the experience for the hell of it and with a shake of his head Mase turned and walked away. The woman shrieked with delight and we made our way down the steps and under the bridge.

The light from the lamposts were reflected in the water and shone up at her face, giving her the haunting impression of one Toulouse-Lautrec's Cabaret dancers at the Moulin Rouge. She put a large and rather expensive looking handbag at our feet, and proceeded to bite my neck. 'You smell like sex,' she said. Evidence that washing is overated, I thought to myself. 'Let's get a Hotel, I want to suck your cock.' Skin loosens with age, but it also becomes softer, as was the case with her lips which I was now surprisingly beginning to enjoy. Her experience and enjoyment was becoming arousing, thus I forgot the presence of someone passing us in the shadows, or of the sound of the buses roaring by overhead, I buried my face deep into her large, feathery breasts and pondered her offer of a warm hotel room, when...

'oh my fucking god! How could I be so blind!' She pushed me against the wall, a look of horror in her face. 'What is it?' I asked in bemusement. 'Don't give me that you little fucker!' She screamed. She began to pull at her hair, pacing back and forth beneath the bridge. 'How could I be so blind?' The outburst had me startled, and I was trying not to laugh as I attempted to calm her down. 'Don't you dare smirk you little thief. Right, I'm calling the police!' 'What? Why?' 'You know why! My purse, it's gone!' I looked down, and she was right. It had been there at our feet just moments ago. I put a hand to my mouth, trying again to conceal a smile. What transpired lasted well into the morning. The Lady's theory was this - that I, playing the drunk, had 'lured' her under the bridge, whilst Mase, having pretended to go home had in actuality returned and stole her handbag whilst I distracted her, showering her with kisses and seducing her with my naturally sexual musk. I couldn't help thinking what I wonderful idea it was, and told her that I wished I was clever or devious enough for such a thing, but that such is not the case. However, I soon found myself running through Camden, chasing a hysterical woman who was tossing her clothes into the road, saying she had been shamed and was threatening to throw herself in front of a bus. I dragged her kicking and screaming out of the road and pinned her against the wall. I told her that I was not a thief, that I was attracted to her from the moment our eyes met and that if she wanted to call the police I would do it for her. She searched my face, and her eyes welled with tears. She threw her arms around me and began to sob hysterically. 'That bag had my whole life in it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.' She soon calmed down and I let her use my phone to ring the police as I had promised, and then called her a taxi. I gave her the last of my change, and felt her hands trembling as I helped her into the back seat. She looked back at me suspiciously from the back window as the taxi disappeared round the corner towards Euston.

I stood motionless, looking up at the dull orange sky overhead. Hard to tell a clear night in London, the stars are never visible anyway. An ambulance siren echoed from the distance and I turned and headed back towards the Hawley, glancing back over my shoulder before taking out my phone and calling Mase. 'Get the handbag ok? Bulldog!'

JR